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Going back "home"

I moved to Texas in Aug 2017. And every winter break for the last 4 winters, we go back home to Chicago. The kids go with their father and I share my time with most of my friends and family the best that I could. And every time I go it's just a whirlwind of emotions. I missed this person, can't wait to see that person or oh yeah this is the reason I'm glad I don't live here anymore. And it completely fucks up my schedule. Sleeping in, staying up late and eating all the foods I have missed. Come on it's Chicago, some of the best food in the country!! I miss everyone but I am definitely glad that I left. This is not my home anymore. I will never move back. Chicago is not for me. Unfortunately it brings me pain, and bad memories and anxiety. I feel trapped when I'm here. There is just so much negative energy surrounding me here. I know everyone is happy to see me but I also know they are happy when I'm on my way back to my new home in TX. Because they know how happy it makes me. I don't think TX is my forever home. But for now it will be have to do. I think my mother has cursed me by moving us around so much as a kid. The longest place I stayed was my apartment in Chicago with my ex-husband. I was there for 9 years. I am 34 years old right now. So out of the other 25 years of my life I have lived in almost 40 different apartments in 4 different states. Yeah that's a lot of moving. We lived with many friends and family and on our own. But my mother could never stay in one spot due to her being finically and mentally unstable. From kindergarten till high school (1991-2003) I was in 9 different schools. I love having a routine and a bit of normalcy but as I get older I find it harder to want to stay in one place. The only reasons I have moved, were to be safe and because we have outgrown our places. And now we our in OUR HOME. My 1st house that I PURCHASED by myself. I loved it, for the first 2 years. Now I feel like I need a change. I love the house we're in. It's a fixer upper but I do love it. But now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Do I open up my business in Arizona, do I move to Colorado, or do I take a chance and live in expensive ass California??? Texas is pretty awesome. It's a family oriented community and it forces us to stay home and spend time together. It's soooooo safe compared to Chicago. I don't have to worry as much when my kids are outside playing down the street. But after 3 years of living here I still don't have any friends. But why???? I'm fucking amazing and have always been able to make friends. The culture is really different but I have lived with many cultures, how can I not fit in here?? Is this really not where my life is suppose to be?? If so, then where?? Where is my home?? Where do I belong?


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