Some times I think something is wrong with me. My mom always calls me a cold heartless bitch. (She's something I can't write in a blog on, that would take a novel) Anyways I just have never been able to understand grief. I want to be there for my family and friends when they lose a loved one. But I never know what to say. And I feel like it's not a big deal. Now don't judge me this is just something I don't process like most people. I have lost a few people that mean a lot to me. My uncle who was like a father figure, my great aunt, my great uncle, my grandma & grandpa, a friend from school and few others. But I was never really sad. Is it because something really is wrong with me? I cried when I was at the funeral or even when I first was told of their passing. But some of the time it felt forced. Like ok cry Sarah cause that's what people do when someone the love passes away. When I think of the people who are no longer here, I only can think of happy times I had with them. I don't get sad. I am thankful for having that time with them. I can just see the smiles on their face, the sounds of their laugh, the conversations we had, I can only remember the good times and all the love we had for each other.
When my best friend's father passed I was there for her and went to the wake but I just didn't understand her grief. How can I be a shoulder to lean on or give some comforting words when I don't understand? Someone who is very special to me and means the world to me is dealing with their moms 10 year anniversary of passing. And I want to be there for them but I don't know how. How can I get them to talk about how they feel? Or am I supposed to even get them to talk about it? Do I ask questions about it? I'm literally so clueless. But why am I this way? Do they even really need me to be there for them?
At times I try to analyze why I am this way. Did those people who passed not really mean that much to me? No that can't be it. A lot of times I think that my mother has had us in such an unstable life that when people, pets, and things came into our lives we just never expected them to stay long. Did my mother ruin me? Like I experienced so much loss in my life...... loss of homes, loss of my father being in my life, loss of friends, loss of family, loss of a warm bed, loss of food, loss of knowing I will be ok the next day, loss of having faith in my mother ever coming around and being a real mother, loss of a relationship with my mother. I think this whole not understanding grief really gets to me. Would I even cry if something happened to my sister or mother? I question myself all the time.. Am I broken inside?