Why are we who we are?
Do you ever feel like you were cheated out of life at some point in time?
I do not like to dwell about the past. Maybe because I truly think, thinking about the past will keep you in the past. Or I'm scared to face the past so I just move on. I like to think it's the first one mostly cause I think I have healed from most of my past. Besides my mother. She will take a lifetime to heal from since she did the most hurt. And she still tries to insert herself in my life just to do things to piss me off.
Today someone shared a picture of themselves in the Army in 2006. And it makes me think, you are putting your life on the line so young in your life. Travelling the world. Learning from these experiences. What was I doing in 2006? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yes motherhood is something but for me, what was I doing for me in my life? I feel like I missed out on so many opportunities. Especially when I see pictures or hear stories of all the people I know and my sister, being in the Army. It was something I really wanted to do. And I gave it up for nothing.
Why do we make the decisions we make? Ever wonder why siblings go in different directions in life? Our culture and environment were the same, why did it affect us differently? Why did I choose a family and kids when I could have chosen the Army? Again I hate dwelling on the past but every once in awhile it pops up in my head. Why did I have to go through all these trials and tribulations for so many years before I could finally grow and learn from them? To choose to have a better life.
Why did I think it was acceptable to have a baby at 18 and marry at 21? Why did I think it was acceptable to have a baby with someone after being together for such a short time? (You don't even want to know how short of time😔) Was I really that naive? Or is this what my culture and environment taught me? I look back at people I have went to school with and I can hardly name anyone without kids. Why?
I do like to blame a lot of shit on my mom. But she's a fucking crazy lady who was raised by another fucking crazy lady. She couldn't have known any better. But hey I didn't know any better and I finally fought my way to where I am today and learned from my mistakes and past. I just feel like I was cheated. I could have done so many things in my life. I even try and look back at my life and evaluate but I can't even remember my twenties. Was my life so meaningless that there was no good to remember besides my kids? Was I that miserable that I block it all out? And this why I don't like to look at the past. I end up with more questions than answers.